Harsh Critics & What to Do About Them
Imagine going to a therapist, telling them about your sadness or fear and having them respond like this:
“Oh, for God’s sake, get over it!”, or “OK. Got that off your chest have you? Feel better now do you? Good, now let’s get on with it”, or “I didn’t listen to that last thing you said because you were banging on with a lot of crap again”.
It wouldn’t happen would it? A therapist would never speak to you that way because each of those responses to your pain is completely lacking in compassion.
But some of us have heard these kinds of responses many times in our families. Some of us have harsh, sarcastic or critical voices that are part of our own internal dialogue. These harsh inner voices are the result of conditioning. We learned this cruel internal discourse as we were growing up, from our parents, caregivers, teachers, peers or siblings.
We can learn things that can become problematic in later life. It’s not okay to be angry. It’s not okay to be sad. It’s not okay to have feelings or opinions that differ from the people around me. It’s not okay to be or do any number of things!
How many of us can honestly say that we had a stable, secure, nurturing, affirming, compassionate upbringing? How many of us developed a stable healthy sense of Self as a result? Conversely, how many of us had child-parents who looked to their children for emotional healing, or who passed on their inherited poor parenting skills, who were emotionally unavailable, neglectful or downright abusive? And as a result, we did not build a secure attachment to them, giving is an insecure, anxious or chaotic sense of Self.
(The ‘scientific’ answer to this question is 65% insecure/25%, secure attachment, *[Siegel, 2010])
Our current mind states might be influenced by these deep inner wounds that we have carried with us all our lives. These harsh inner voices might make it impossible for us to hear, let alone follow our own wise inner guidance. When we begin a Mindfulness and meditation practice, (or experience a life-altering event) we might find that these old wounds rise to the surface, we become overwhelmed by the struggle and things seem worse for a while. This is where compassion-based therapy can be really useful for growth.
Mindful Self Compassion practice has been proven to be helpful for reducing symptoms such as stress somatic tension, and shame, and lead to deeper state of calm and contentment over time. But healing at a deeper level may require assisted therapeutic interventions. Combine the two (mindfulness-based cognitive therapies) and the therapeutic possibilities are strengthened.
In short, mindful awareness teaches us to witness the painful thoughts that rise to the surface, not to identify with them so closely, and to contain the uncomfortable emotions these thoughts create. A positive therapeutic relationship in mindfulness-based compassionate counselling can help us recognise and honour our painful ‘stories’ and integrate them. It can also help us recognise and honour the defensive or coping mechanisms we have built as a result of our histories, and loosen the ties they had over us.
Ideally, in therapy, the difficult emotions and experiences that have previously been unconscious can be brought into the shared respectful (and confidential) space little by little so we have time to integrate them without becoming overwhelmed or re-traumatised.
The vulnerable child can express itself and the counsellor can respond with care and compassion. This longed-for unconditional acceptance can liberate us from our harsh inner voices and provide a new model for the way we speak to ourselves. With therapy and meditation practice, we can learn to be kind to ourselves at last.
*(The Mindful Therapist, Daniel J Siegel, WW Norton & Company, 2010)
© Nicki Paull
