The Curse of the Narcissistic Mother

Parenting by a narcissistic mother can leave a long-lasting impression on adult children that makes navigating ordinary life difficult. The bottom-line behaviour is this: narcissistic mothers are unable to prioritise their child’s needs over their own. Those children often experience challenges with social and intimate relationships, and a deeply unfavourable self-image. Thankfully those life-long patterns of low self-worth , learned helplessness and other issues can slowly be healed with self-compassion and healthy relationships with non-narcissistic people.

A pathological narcissist is defined by superiority, entitlement, and lack of empathy, (and, arguably, obsessive concern over the self).

They can be jealous or envious of their child’s beauty, talent, success or intelligence. They can resent the attention paid to the child by other people, including family members or another parent. They can sabotage or undermine important activities or milestones of their child. They can compete with the child in many contexts, using underhanded tactics to come out on top. Winning over the child is of supreme importance.

Twisting Appearances

Appearances are excessively important to a narcissistic person. So, humiliating or embarrassing the child in social situations is one of those underhanded tactics. That is, putting the child down to position themselves in a one-up position (eg. a martyr, a wonderful mother, or in some way ‘better than’). They can offer misguided, ignorant or no direction in the child’s various life stages. With their cruel, hyper-critical, and hurtful words, they can lead a child to develop deep-seated beliefs that the child is unlovable, unimportant or otherwise defective.

Control, Control, Control

They can control the child at every level, from the mundane (eg. diet and fat-shaming) to the ridiculous (eg. preventing the child from ever growing up and leaving home). Control, control, control is their motto. And when they perceive they are losing control, they’ll enlist the help of the family and other adults to shame that child back into submission.

They’ll gaslight. (“I never said that. You’re lying/making it up. You’re not sick, you’re just putting it on to get attention.”). They’ll blame. (“Well, if you weren’t such a [insert insult here], this would never have happened.”). They’ll shame. (“Everyone thinks you’re [insert insult here]. Why can’t you be like your sibling?”). They’ll emotionally blackmail. (“I’ve sacrificed so much for you, now it’s your turn to give back to me”). They’ll make you feel inferior. (“You’re too [insert a personal quality, eg. sensitivity]. Why do you have to be so difficult?”).

Emotional Neglect

They’ll neglect. (“I deserve a break from you, so you can stay home by yourself”).  They’ll pass the parenting onto someone else. (“Why are you asking me this? Ask your [teacher/sister].”). They’ll triangulate. (Pitting people against each other with lies, falsehoods and exaggerations). They’ll isolate. (“I forbid you to keep seeing that [insult] friend of yours”.) They often treat children like a slave. (“I put a roof over your head and food on your table, don’t I? You owe me some housework in return”).

I’m sure you can see how damaging this kind of parenting style can be. At every turn, the child of a narcissistic mother learns that they are wrong, bad, unworthy and to blame for everything. The narcissistic mother can produce offspring with a victim mentality.

Hungry for Praise

The narcissistic mother, entitled and lacking in empathy, has an excessive need to receive praise, recognition and special treatment in many contexts. Paradoxically, this kind of mother might frequently articulate their feelings of not being important, not getting the attention or admiration they believe they deserve. Paradoxical because their child is actually experiencing neglect that makes them feel unworthy; criticism where praise is warranted; and being blamed for things that aren’t the child’s fault.

In a sense, this is a double-whammy for a child internalising untrue beliefs about themselves and the world. Constantly criticised, shamed and blamed themselves, and seeing a mother who is, in fact overly-praised, overly-entitled, overly-supplied with special treatment can teach them that no matter how hard they try, they will never be ‘good enough’. Not to mention ‘selfish and ungrateful’ – words the child of a narcissistic mother is likely to hear many times well into their adult lives.

Unfavourable comparison with others is a common (and nasty) behaviour of narcissistic mothers. In the age of social media, this can be a real hazard for a child who has adapted to their environment by adopting the behaviours and beliefs modelled by their mother, the way children do. Let’s face it, comparing ourselves with others can cause anyone a great deal of misery. Just as needing approval, validation or support from others because we never had this modelled by a parent can lead to long-term miseries such as depression or anxiety.

Antidotes

One antidote to such long-term repercussions is the active and conscious development of self-compassion. Forgiving our own mistakes and vulnerabilities. Embracing our unique personal make-up: adjusting our choices and behaviour to be in alignment with our own true values – once we’ve figured out what they are. Celebrating our unique strengths. Shifting focus from everything that’s wrong to everything that’s right about our lives and ourselves.

Repetitive Repercussions

Perhaps the most pervasive and tragic repercussion of being raised by a narcissistic parent is the tolerance and acceptance of these toxic behaviours as ‘normal’ in the mind of a child. A child has no choice but to manoeuvre their growing minds into believing their mother is ‘safe’. The supposed safety of a mother is a fundamental human requirement. Therein lies the problem. This can result in that child failing to recognise dangerous narcissistic people, and even finding themselves emotionally attracted to dangerous people with similar traits to their parent , effectively volunteering for the role of “Target of Blame”.

Complex Trauma Recovery

Escaping the complex matrix of untrue beliefs about ourselves in the face of such an upbringing is not an easy task. Escaping the repetition of such people showing up in our lives can be isolating and painful. For a long while, the status quo – miserable as it is – can be preferable and offer a false sense of safety. The bottom-line behaviour is this: narcissistic mothers are unable to prioritise their child’s needs over their own. We learned to trust untrustworthy people. (Better the Devil you know than the Devil you don’t). Recovery from the complex trauma of childhood narcissistic abuse can be a case of ‘no pain, no gain’. It’s a messy and sometimes painful experience.

But it can be done! Alone or with expert guidance. The whole field of psychology is founded on studying effective ways to help someone out of their unique mental suffering. Ditto Buddhist psychology. And one helpful tip might be this – relational trauma is best healed relationally. Once we’ve woken up to the dynamics of our upbringing, if we can find a therapist or other people who have been through something similar, this common humanity is enormously healing.

Find your tribe. Find your therapist. Find yourself.

References

Hart, C. M., Bush-Evans, R. D., Hepper, E. G., & Hickman, H. M. (2017). The children of narcissus: Insights into narcissists' parenting styles. Personality and Individual Differences, 117, 249-254.

Leggio, J. N. (2018). Mental health outcomes for adult children of narcissistic parents. Adler University.

Costin, A. (2020). Social and educational implications regarding the raising of children in narcissistic families. Theoretical Approach. Educația Plus, 27(2), 50-62.

THIS ARTICLE ALSO APPEARS IN THE TOORAK TIMES NEWSPAPER: https://tooraktimes.com.au/the-curse-of-the-narcissistic-mother/