The Tragedy of Family Estrangement
Last Resort
There are often far-reaching implications for survivors of pathological relationships. An all-too-common and tragic aspect of narcissistic abuse is family estrangement.
Expert therapists recommend ‘no contact’ as the only way to achieve freedom from the disaster of the pathological narcissist. They see cutting off contact with the abuser as a painful but necessary way to wrest back some control and agency for survivors. It is a last resort.
But a distressing fact is a poisonous cohort of ‘flying monkeys’ who side with the abuser against the target. This sometimes includes family members. For some, this leads to even more distress when cutting ties with those negative family members is the only way to end the hurtful betrayals.
Tried Everything
Many survivors have experienced years or even a lifetime of being cast as the family scapegoat, the outsider, the no-hoper, whatever. They have learned to tolerate family members bulldozing their boundaries, family double-speak that frames criticism as love, walking on eggshells, and sacrificing for the good of others.
Deciding to cut contact or limit contact, knowing they will be blamed as the person who ‘tore the family apart’ places survivors in a huge ethical dilemma. It can be devastating. But when the pain of a survivor’s role in the family system outweighs the benefits, cutting ties might be the only genuinely safe option. When every attempt to improve family relationships has failed, some survivors choose to protect their own mental health by making this tragic decision (Verheer et al., 2022).
Tragedy of the Ethical Dilemma
Family estrangement is a decision that can leave survivors feeling guilt over causing pain. There can be severe loss and loneliness in missing milestone family occasions. They can feel shame over judgements of them in their social circles. They might suffer moral injury at the violation of personal or cultural beliefs like “blood is thicker than water” or “family is everything”. They sometimes feel confusion over behaving just like the pathological abuser or toxic family (by cancelling someone) and ambiguous grief over the loving family they never had (Melvin, 2024).
If this is your experience, then my heart goes out to you. No one decides to cut family ties to punish or gain advantage. It is a clear sign that the family or its members have violated you too many times or in unforgiveable ways. Staying in a toxic family dynamic simply became too much of a risk to your own wellbeing. You deserve to be surrounded by a family-of-choice who are kind, compassionate and supportive of you – especially during the trauma of abuse recovery.
Many people will not understand the harmful stress you endured in your family of origin over many years, or how hard you worked to shift your role in the family system. Judgement or stigma from others can be hard to bear. I’d advise having a phrase that you rehearse and have up your sleeve, ready to deflect inquisitive gossipmongers. Something like, “Sadly, I’m estranged from my family”. Most people will hear this as “don’t go there!”, especially if your tone is definitive.
Coping Tactics
Other coping tactics after making this huge decision could be:
Remind yourself why you made the decision to cut ties – there will be times when you second-guess yourself, but over time, it will be clear how much less suffering you endure without those toxic dynamics in your life.
Be gentle with yourself. Just because nobody else gets it, doesn’t mean you’ve made the wrong decision. You prioritised your own psychological safety and wellbeing, and that is your right.
Practice healthy boundaries everywhere. Cutting negative influences out of your life is a big growing up experience! “Thanks, but I don’t want to discuss this” and many other boundary statements will become a more prominent part of your daily life now. Don’t be afraid to exercise your human rights in all sorts of negative or toxic situations.
Get professional help to rebuild your personal identity, agency and self-worth outside of the family. Prioritising your own wellbeing is as important as putting on your own oxygen mask before you help others in an airplane emergency.
Remember that you deserve to be treated with courtesy, care and respect. Reconciliation might happen one day. But for now, and until then, trust in your own decision. Nobody makes it lightly (except narcissists of course). Family estrangement is tragic. But it is the whole situation that is fatally flawed, not you. May you find the peace and freedom from painful relationships that are you so deserve after narcissistic abuse. 🙏🏻
©Nicki Paull
This article also appears in the Toorak Times newspaper.
Literature
Melvin, K. (2024). Navigating Family Estrangement: Helping Adults Understand and Manage the Challenges of Family Estrangement. Routledge.
Verhaar, S., Matthewson, M. L., & Bentley, C. (2022). The impact of parental alienating behaviours on the mental health of adults alienated in childhood. Children, 9(4).
